Do old people smell?
A colleague and I were talking about smelly food in the office. But this particular batch of smelly food came from one person. Let’s call her Sarah.
Sarah’s actually quite sweet and she brought some cake to the office because it was her birthday. Choc mousse and carrot (not together mind you). Anyway, colleague and I had a small piece of the respective cakes (I had the carrot in case you’re wondering). We both agreed that it smelt.
But was it the cake – or was it dear old Sarah? Both of us were stumped – is it unPC to say old people smell? Is it rude and insensitive? We can’t decide so now I’m feeling bad because maybe we’re being horrible.
Are we?
Alone-ness
People are driving me crazy. Why can’t they just leave me the fuck alone? If I go to the coffee shop with my newspaper I don’t want someone coming over to sit down and talk to me. If I’m at my desk busy with work I don’t want them to say hi and find out how I’m doing. This desire to constantly talk to me is driving me up the wall.
Why are people like that? Do they think I’m suffering if I sit alone in a coffeeshop? I like being alone. If I’m not alone for at least three hours per day I want to rip my eyes out. I just can’t understand why others are not like this. They like being with people. Not me though.
My woes started as such: I usually have coffee with a friend but since she has tonsilitis I’ve been taking my paper to have some of the good brew. EVERY SINGLE DAY someone has sat down to talk to me. EVERY SINGLE DAY people.
So I decided to stay at my desk and get take-away coffee. But then of course people in my office want to chat. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s getting to the point where I’m being rude.
All I want is to be alone in the morning with my cup of coffee and nobody talking to me. I’m clearly not a morning person…or am I asking too much?
My turn
There are some things you just have to do when you’re in a relationship. Things that would make your partner happy.
My contribution to this was attending a live show by Afrikaans singer Gert Vlok Nel. The place was nice (a placed called gatta patat – don’t ask) but I didn’t understand a word of the songs. It didn’t matter though. My partner enjoyed it and in the end that made it worth it.
A friend told me I’m taking my love of all things Afrikaans a bit too far. For a second I agreed. Until I saw my partner’s face. We do so many things together – mostly things that I like (I’m selfish sometimes) – so this time it was my partner’s turn.
In the end it didn’t matter that I didn’t understand or was in the midst of a somewhat weird crowd. The important thing was we were both happy. But next time we’re going to the beach…
Family woes
Is it ok to not like your grandmother? I find myself faced with this question every time I have to speak to the woman. I guess I’m supposed to feel guilty about not being the loving granddaughter of the Hollywood type but I feel more like the wolf than Little Red Riding Hood in this saga.
She’s old. I give her that – I know being old already engenders sympathy. But she’s heartless and horrible and I don’t want her to be my granny.
I want a granny who’s nice and warm. Who is happy to see me when I get around to visiting. Who doesn’t shove my other cousins’ achievements down my throat left, right and centre. Who says nice things to me instead of criticising all the time. Who doesn’t tjank every time my dad’s around so he can open his wallet to make it better. I just want a granny who I could be happy to call my granny instead of ‘that woman’.
If I was religious I would surely have to pray all day to ask for forgiveness for these thoughts. But I’m not. So I won’t.
Alternative dictionary
A friend sent this to me. Probably written by a man.
40-ish – 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic – No tits
Average looking – Ugly
Beautiful – Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist – Fat
Free spirit – Junkie
Friendship first – Former very *friendly* person
Fun – Annoying
New Age – Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded – Desperate
Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate – Sloppy drunk
Professional – Bitch
Voluptuous – Very Fat
Large frame – Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate – Stalker
WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN’S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
And finally…..A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
All things musical
Something stirred my irk-o-meter today. As I walked into the building this morning, was the sound of music in the lift. Not the cheesy kind you find in big corporations.
No, this tinny-sounding tunes were coming from the girl next to me. She had her earplugs in and the thing was obviously set at full volume. Don’t people get the point of an iPod: It is supposed to be for YOUR EARS ONLY!
This led to me to think two things: first, I know this girl is an exhibitionist because she’s been caught in flagrante in her office (supposedly working overtime, mind you); her boyfriend’s bum is now known to all.
Secondly, she’s an attention seeker because she’s one of those coloured girls who flicks her hair and flashes her (very small) boobs whenever a male is around. She wants us all to know “sy’s daai girl”. But meanwhile we’re all having a bit of a snigger because girlfriend is maer as a plank with a saggy bum to boot.
Ok, she has nice hair but how much do you want to bet she Wella’d it to the max? Plus she has ugly toes (I’ve seen it in sandals). Niknaks se moer – this one could give Godzilla a run for his money.
Which brings me back to my original point: it irked me. But being the polite person I am, I didn’t say anything or show my annoyance (besides, that would give her the satisfaction of knowing someone noticed her). So I’ve resorted to pointing out all her flaws on this blog.
And next time I hear those tjunes in the lift, I may just start singing along…then we’ll see who gets all the attention.
If I won the lotto
So I guess we’ve all had that moment where we wonder what we’d do if we won the lotto. My partner and I had this discussion yesterday. We always say we’re going to play the Lotto but never do.
We basically went on about what we’d do, what we’d buy and what it would mean to us. There was the big TV, the library, the two-garage house with a garden (we’re going to have herbs and veg and maybe sunflowers). There may be a dog and possibly even some fish. Anyway, we did the whole “our lives with the Lotto” thing and it was lots of fun (amazing what you can do with money you don’t really have).
But the most wonderful part? When my partner said (uncharacteristically emotional) to me: ‘The best part of that conversation is that not once was it “If I”, it was “If we” all the way.’ Who would’ve thought?
The tantrums of our lives
I want to throw a tantrum. A big one. Like a grown-up version of a kid’s I-want-that-toy wobble. I want to stomp my feet, launch myself onto the ground and scream until someone comes along, scoops me up and speaks to me firmly, yet lovingly.
But I guess I can’t. Because being an adult means you have to be polite and understanding and courteous and responsible and strong and…and…and. So many ands and ifs.
So what if I really threw one? Well my boss would probably think I’m cracking under the pressure of work. My partner would think I need some serious talk-therapy sessions (which isn’t always a bad thing mind you). My best friend would offer me chocolate, a girlie day out and a shoulder to cry on (if I’m lucky she’d offer me some alcohol and I’d feel obliged to accept out of pure friendship-duty conscientiousness).
I’d have to explain my behaviour. Try to be rational and explain how I feel and what’s going on in my head. Which totally defeats the point of a tantrum really.
So now I’ll just go on my merry way, smoke a ciggie, take deep breaths and try to calm the hell down. Because if I don’t there’s just no telling how big this tantrum’s going to be…
Valentine like no other
I have, I realise, a very romantic soul. I’ve always thought of myself as a pragmatic, no-nonsense type of person so it comes as a bit of surprise that deep down I can also feel the jelly-knees-butterfly-tummy feelings of the Hallmark card variety.
Don’t get me wrong – I still think Valentine’s Day is a money-making scheme. But it’s rather touching when you receive something nice from your partner. All the more so because it’s not just on that day that it happens. It’s just one of many days where you receive little gifts or gesture for no other reason than because your partner loves you and wants to make you happy.
Whether it’s making the bed or doing the dishes. Whether it’s going shopping because they hate buying milk and bread. Whether it’s a song so cheesy it makes you laugh and love that person just a little bit more. Whether it’s a box of Lindt chocolates or a book you’ve been eyeing for a long time. When your partner gives you something or does something for you, you should appreciate it – even on Valentine’s Day.
It doesn’t matter how big or small, when your partner does something nice you must say thank you and give them as much (and more) in return. And Valentine’s Day is no exception. Just because you find the commercialism a bit fake it doesn’t mean your partner’s intentions are.
So in that spirit I’ve now decided I will do something nice for my partner. Valentine’s Day may have come and gone but it doesn’t matter – because every day for us is Valentine’s Day. And now that I’ve embraced my inner romantic, every day is going to be a Hallmark day…
A time to be grateful
I’ve never really thought of myself as a campaigner for this new South Africa. It’s weird – I know what is wrong with this country yet find myself defending it vociferously. Especially from those who say it was better in the “good old days”.
I live in Cape Town. It’s a place of immense beauty yet terrifying tragedy. We live in a parallel here. The really rich; the very poor. A few years ago when the whole “CT is racist” story broke out I couldn’t understand what was going on. Why were people saying this beautiful city is racist?
But now, two years later, I find that I can no longer ignore those comments. People in Cape Town, especially coloured people, are racist.
I know this because I have to hear the not-so-subtle comments when black people walk by. I hear the sounds of sarcasm, or worse, condescension, when there are mixed parties around. It breaks my heart.
Until now I’ve never noticed when I’m the only person of colour in a restaurant – apart from those serving the drinks and cleaning the tables. . .
I don’t really have any solutions to this problem but just putting it out there because maybe somewhere, someone can tell me how to fix it.
TOBBHERHANK 