Fat ain’t funny

July 6, 2007 at 8:41 am (annoying, diets, fat rolls)

Earlier I wrote about not being a fan of fat jokes. In fact, I hate fat jokes. So what do I tell a “friend” who makes a fat joke if I’ve already told him it’s tasteless?
There’s always the option of telling him to go jump in a lake of lard (although I doubt he’d get it) or I could just let it slide.
But if I let it slide do I become complicit in the fat joke thing? Shouldn’t I be more hardcore about telling him what a jerk he is? Am I too humourless?
The problem with the whole thing is it happened online and was a kind of throwaway comment, not a full-on fat joke.
I couldn’t see his expression or gauge his seriousness from his tone. So do I still get all shrill and rip him apart (as I would do if we were face to face)?
Wait, I think I’ve just answered my question…
*Toby logs off wordpress to send a stinking email to said offensive bastard*

Permalink Leave a Comment

What I love about my body

May 15, 2007 at 8:07 am (brag, diets, ego, fat rolls, hormones, love, nice girls, private personal space)

Usually when you ask a woman what she loves about her body she’ll list all the things she hates. My ass is fat; I hate my thighs; My skin is bad, etc. She could go on. Because women are conditioned to be modest; to think a celebration of their bodies is a bad characteristic, they’ll always find something wrong. Well enough is enough.
Let’s think about what we love about our bodies. There must be at least one thing. Just one. Once you’ve identified it, think of another, and another and another until you have at least five.
I’ve sat long and hard thinking of what I like about my body. It was difficult to get five but here goes:
1. My hands. They’re slim with long fingers. They look graceful when I wave and they can type a document in very little time.
2. My legs. They’re long and beautifully shaped.
3. My eyes are a boring brown but have a lovely shape and sparkle prettily when I’m happy.
4. My feet are smaller than the average person of my height. They’re kinda quirky.
5. My cleavage is not too big and not too small. Perfect.
What do you like about yours?

Permalink 9 Comments

How we have changed

May 10, 2007 at 8:10 am (chocolate, diets, exercise, fat rolls, friends)

“Toby, you were so thin at varsity,” B says when looking at some pics of me way back when (ok, ok, three years ago). “You’re nogal a bit chubbier now, ne?” Yes, point this out while I’m in my Lindt-gorging phase, old buddy, old pal. Just what I need after a hellish week. I still love you to bits though and will have an extra bit of chocolate to celebrate your keen observation skills.

Permalink Leave a Comment

I have boobs and bums

April 24, 2007 at 8:44 pm (advertising, annoying, diets, exercise, fat rolls, weight, wellbeing)

I’m a big, loathsome fatass.
At least that’s what some women’s magazines would have me believe (more about that in a different post later). Apparently being anything over a size 10 is a social crime akin to saying you lust after your brother. At least I haven’t reached that level of depravity, right?
Anyway, back to the weight and my new issues with it. Rossgen and I hit the stores because she needed to look fabulicious (her word) for a function she had to attend. I have a wedding to attend so thought I’d try on a few things while in the shop. MISTAKE!
Not since the days when I sulked out of Hilton Weiner’s child-sized-clothing stores have I felt so bad about my body. I mean, hello: I have bums and boobs; a bit of cushioning on the hip and long limbs. Am I such a freak that no store has clothes that fit me?
Apart from the obvious “shall I take a 12/14/16 because they’re never the same”, anything that looks remotely stylish only comes in sizes 10 and below. And when I do fit on a size 12/14 it looks like a sausage caught in it’s skin when you’re frying it in a pan. Yuck.
Now, of course, you could say, um, Toby, maybe it’s because you’re “well-endowed”? Well-endowed my ass. I am a normal, healthy (ok, so I’m semi-healthy because I smoke and eat junk) young woman.
I have a healthy BMI of 22,5 according to the Mayo Clinic (click on Metric to get our measurements). I have normal curves and I’m quite happy with them so why can’t all those losers who make clothes try and make me spend my money?
Do they have any idea how starved curvy women are for nice clothes that fit – here’s a whole untapped industry I say. And African lasses don’t want the skinny tie-me-to-a-pole-so-I-don’t-blow-away kind of waists.
Unless of course I’m in the minority in which case I’ll just have to fume and continue my search for a good tailor/dressmaker to cover my bootylicious body.

Permalink 8 Comments

Fat rolls are such rude things

March 14, 2007 at 6:01 am (fat rolls)

Aaaarrrgh! He had a fat roll. Not just any old fat roll. No ladies and gentlemen, it was a fat roll on his head. And I had to stand behind him in the lift.
Now, for those of you who may think I’m insensitive right now note: I don’t have anything against fat people.
I know many and like many. It’s not a problem for me. But a guy with a fat roll on his head (yes, his head not his neck – is there even a name for such stuff?) is a bit too much for me.
It looked like a sausage stuck underneath his short hair. I had to work hard not to stare. Damn hard.
Do women have this? Is it better that they have hair to hide it or is it better that they are constantly aware it shows so they can try to get rid of it?
This is a dilemma. I mean, can you even go on a diet or exercise to rid yourself of a fat roll on your head? I know not how to deal with fat roll on the head issues right now.

Permalink 1 Comment